A half return it was

I felt that I was scared... scared to dissolve... so what do people do generally in a situation like this? You start criticising... I felt like I dont need Osho any more, that the people living there are fake and they are interested in everything, but spiritual research.
I also felt that Miasto as it is, and most of the Osho places, are a total denial of Osho's ideas who did not want at all that this became similar to a religion - so a place of conservation rather than a place of innovation. And in Miasto innovation seemed to be closed out of the door. I saw all this, but this was rather talking about myself than about the place itself.
In truth I was scared seeing all new faces, and may be they were scared, too. I was disappointed that the people I knew from the past were not available 24 hour for me to spend some nice time together.
Still, I did have some nice meetings with the old friends, may be for a little moment, but a nice confirmation of friendship love... at least from my side.
On Monday I participated in 2 meditations and it felt real good. I managed to dance for some instants with my whole presence in total extasy.
On Tuesday I almost didnt go to Miasto, I spent the day with one of the girls from there, but outside, we went for lunch and to have a bath in a local river which has hot springs.
Then some Italian food in restaurant, always great... then back to Atmanandas place which I really liked... had some chill out time. But then I felt like I needed to go to Miasto, so I asked Atmas car and drove their... gosh, I havent seen a car for almost 15 months. I was about to give up to turn the car and direct it towards the road, but then I made it! My legs were shaking after I arrived to Miasto and headed for dinner.
In the end I managed to socialize a bit with the new people, but I still kept some distance thinking that they were rather boring and crazy.
On Wednesday I felt like I needed a day similar to Monday. So I headed to Miasto on foot, had lunch and then I was hanging around until 5 pm when the Kundalini started. Also I partecipated in the evening meditation. I once again felt like I dont need Osho any more, and all the real masters have anyway the same message. i feel gratitude towards my master, but I also feel that being a sannyas is a contemporary movement which is not like it used to be and it is rather a weight than a liberation. Osho is anyway Osho.... I think if he lived today he wore jeans and cool shoes following todays fashion. He loved fancy things! Today once again masters are simple people, because this is how folks expect them to be... in the 70's Osho could reach loads of people thanks to his scandals and way of showing himself off.
I love him, I cant help it, but I am not a blind follower of any teachings, I am a real sannyas, I am someone who seeks... seeks for love and peace. Inner love, inner peace.
Thursday: I was leaving.... I rushed to Miasto from Atmanandas to say good-bye with the total feeling that I would never come back. Why Osho is Miasto for me? I shall see other centers for meditation and experience other communities.
But then... on the train I felt totally different. I felt like I need to be more coragous like I used to be some years ago... if I had the same way of thinking I would have just stayed there and risk things... doing something mad, doing something that doesnt have a rational reason.
But now I am more adult and calm... I see the things more real and if a train takes me to a place I dont necessarily feel like going to, I still accept to be on that train. It is not right. I should have gotten off and go somewhere I really felt like going giving a shit that I was supposed to be back to Budapest for studies... I think if I quit doing madnesses that prove to life that I am real and alive also life will stop needing me.
OK, I am really glad that I managed to bring this up from myself and to share it. At least I am now more aware and may be the next time will choose the right way. Sirat means path and my path is going against my fears. On Thursday I did something following my fear and I dont know if it will pay well. I envy those friends of mine who can just change continents and make things from intuition.